I Brought You to this Blog to Tell You a Secret...

I don't really think it will ever happen, but I have a deep-rooted fear that someday someone will call and tell me I have been invited to be a guest on the Maury show where someone has a secret they want to share with me. Can you imagine? That's the stuff nightmares are made of.

Well, keeping with the theme, I do have a secret to share, but I won't invite you onto national TV to share it (why do people do that). Weekday mornings at 9 am, if circumstances permit, I plop myself down and, gulp, actually watch Maury. I don't know why I do it - I am ashamed of myself, but I can't help it. I have read books, gone to meetings, and even tried a TV patch on my arm, but I can't stop. Yes, I am powerless. Watching Maury is like passing by a terrible car accident - I put my hand over my eyes but slowly spread my fingers apart and peek (or more).

All of that said, I ran across a column on www.FSUnews.com, the online edition of the Florida State University student newspaper. The column captured the excitement of the show I go through when I watch. So, I did what any responsible blogger would do and copied the column to post here. Then my conscience got the better of me, and I emailed for permission to repost the column, which was promptly granted (thank you Chris Lewis, General Manager). Share with me now the excitement of the Maury show - just about any Maury show as most are variations on a theme.

Television for the downtrodden
by Rachel Hoiles

Issue date: 1/13/05

At some point in life, most people must come to terms with the fact that they will never be Hollywood celebrities or powerful, national dictators. While sane people generally embrace this notion by joining unions and taking out life insurance policies, others seek their fortune on "The Maury Povich Show."

What makes the guests of the "Maury Show" special is that unlike guests on "Oprah" and "The View," they don't pollute valuable TV time with book promotions, Olympic accomplishments, or any sort of recognized talent (other than a mean right hook and the ability to procreate at ungodly high rates). But how could they have time for books and such when there are so many ways to tell your spouse that you were born a 'Wayne' rather than a 'Wanda'?

I appreciate that many of Maury's guests lack the most basic math skills, which, oddly enough, seems to be a fairly common problem that never gets its own episode. You'll never see, "Numerically Challenged ... I Have the Math Skills of a Household Rodent." In fact, arithmetic seems to be at the root of most problems for guests of "The Maury Povich Show," as many are simply unable to figure out how many people they had sex with in any given month. Take for example the guests on "Outrageous Paternity Test Results and Updates." These episodes feature distraught women desperate to prove that Candidate X is the father of their child. Maury really shines in these episodes because he gets to show his sensitive side.

MAURY: Carlita is here today because she believes that Arnold is the father of her eight-month old boy, Jake.

AUDIENCE: (Sees picture of Jake on projector screen) Awwww (Heads nod approvingly -- the baby is a hit.)

CARLITA: (Wipes away tears) That's right, Maury, I know that Arnold is the daddy of my baby, even though I sleep with many, many men.

MAURY: Come on out, Arnold!

ARNOLD: (walks onto stage, audience boos) Lying b----!

CARLITA: (hurls shoes at Arnold's head) Lying motherf---er!" (My note: this writer is good! All I hear are bleeps and more bleeps; I never was much good at lipreading.)

After the paternity test results are read aloud for dramatic effect, the feelings onstage go from rage to grief/gloating.

MAURY: (opening test results) Arnold, when it comes to eight-month old Jake, you are NOT the father.

ARNOLD: (jumps up and down in glee) Boo-ya!

CARLITA: Whaaat??! (bursts into tears)

MAURY: (Pats Carlita's back) There, there.

You could also watch any of this episode's ten thousand duplicates, such as "I'm Afraid to Tell You ... Our Baby Might Not Be Yours," "I Know He's the Father of My Baby...Take a Paternity Test to Prove It," and the classic, "My Mom is 100 Percent Sure I Am Not the Father of Your Baby." Many of these shows also feature sequels and/or trilogies.

Every once in a while Maury will give his program a change of pace by featuring makeover specials, such as "Turn My Wife Back Into the Super-Sexy Woman I Married," and the twist on that, "Turn That Gorgeous Gal Back Into My Handsome Son." Both are equally stimulating episodes, and require little or no conscience to enjoy. Guests are generally humiliated, but can take comfort in the fact that no matter how bad they look, at least they're not on "I'm Terrified of Chalk, Hair and Circus Clowns" (air date Oct. 24, 2002) or "Baby, I Didn't Mean to Scar You" (air date May 5, 1999).

It's a good thing Maury never runs out of ideas, and is never afraid to track down 230 pound 8-year-olds.

And it's hard to believe this guy is married to Connie Chung.

-30-

So, there you have it - a vicarious visit with the Maury show. Now, do you understand why I can't help watching? I don't either. Sigh.

Later.