An Oral Guarantee is Worth....

'Oral contracts are not worth the paper they are written on.'

Caveat emptor!

I have a couple of warranty stories to share. First, when my wife and I finally broke down and bought a Sears riding mower (Craftsman lawn tractor), I asked the salesman about the extended warranty he offered to us. We both remember the salesman saying that once a year, a technician would come to the house, check the machine over, replace necessary parts, and be sure it was ready to go for the new season. We really are not stupid people, and we both remember what was said. I am no mechanic, so those words were beautiful music to my ears.

Following the first successful year (no problems or breakdowns, we endured the winter, and when spring came, we called for a maintenance appointment. Yes, you know what's coming. "Oh, no, you must have misunderstood. We don't do that." Arrrgh! Yes, I should have known better and read the warranty before the purchase, but I don't believe there was one available in the store. That was lesson one.

Lesson two came with the purchase of my daughter's Apple computer (Mac). We all headed south to Salem, the only official listed Apple store in New Hampshire. Yes, we bought the extended warranty as I was advised that Apple repairs can be expensive (that was a surprise - Apple? Expensive? Hah! Surely you jest.... [and don't call me Shirley]) I remember asking our personal consultant (salesperson) about the warranty; he told us everything (yes, everything) would be covered. If you know me, you would know I asked one more question: I said, "I mean, I wouldn't do it, of course, but suppose the day before the warranty expired I put the computer on the driveway and drive over it. Would that be covered?" Again, the reply was "Of course; everything is covered." (He knew he had a live one.)

Some months later, the screen broke when the machine was bumped or dropped. When I took the computer to the local "authorized reseller")he noted there was no sign of trauma on the outside of the machine and a replacement might be covered. He sent it off to Apple, and, yes, you know what's coming. "No, it's not covered." So for the price I could buy a brand new PC laptop with great numbers, we replaced the screen for $775 because my daughter loves her Apple Mac.

Since then, a key cover popped off. With times the way they are, she's using her Mac without it (I am not sure I qualify for a loan anymore).

(By the way, my daughter has run out of storage space in her computer [we had even bought her extra memory]. It's too bad Apple doesn't make an external hard drive. Now I have to get one at Wal-Mart. I doubt I'll need a loan for that.)

Before you buy anything, read the warranty for yourself. Don't believe what you are told! It's been an expensive lesson for me!

One Typical Day

You should have been there! I was out today riding around the yard on the riding mower doing just fine, thank you. With each pass I got closer and closer to a blue basketball-sized toy the dog plays with (it has a handle, so he can't dribble it). It's supposed to be filled with air (which, of course it is either way - you'll see what I mean in a moment); it's a sealed unit, so it's supposed to not give; it is supposed to keep its shape. Anyhow, apparently the dog had punctured it somewhere along the way (it was still filled with air, but it also had "give" as the air rushed out when it is squeezed - an important fact with what's coming).

So, as I was getting really close to the ball, I did what I always did before - I nudged it with the front wheel to push it out of the way so there wouldn't be a problem. Unfortunately, with the aforementioned hole in it, it "gave." It didn't bounce to the side but went under the machine, was immediately caught up in the blade, and caused a problem. The engine suddenly came as close to screaming as any inanimate object can and white smoke started pouring out from underneath the mower. There were no shredded pieces that were spit out, so I knew I had a problem. The smell in the air was getting quite unpleasant (an understatement), so thinking quickly, I turned the engine off and sat watching the smoke continue to billow from beneath.

I couldn't lift the behemoth, so I went to the car and got the jack (a story in itself but for another time). I finally figured out how to make it lift the mower and did... it took about three seconds after it had reached its apogee for it to fall. I was on grass, and I thought it might, so I kept my distance. Thinking desperately, I had an idea - I lifted the plastic discharge chute, and there, wedged in the opening was the blue toy! With deft adroitness, I worked it out, put it on a plastic lawn chair, and said a small prayer of thanks and hope. When I tried to restart the engine, it actually worked, and I finished the job.

Not a big story but typical in my ongoing struggle with machines.

Rho Delta Omega (or Pee Triangle Horseshoe)

I believe I have a lot in common with Senator John 'Bluto' Blutarsky. If he is like most senators, today he wears a dark suit and red power tie and has lots of money, no or very short sideburns and when he speaks publicly, he is, quite frankly, bo-ring! Except for the part about the suit, tie, money, and sideburns, that pretty much describes me... today. But, I wasn't always this bo-ring. Noooooo (said in a drawn-out gravelly Belushi voice)! There was a time when I walked the streets of Boston and men trembled and looked away and women locked up their daughters (to no avail). I was a Rho Delt!

While on Facebook, I found a group of brothers from my old fraternity - even though I have never met any of them (yet), they are still my brothers - that's what fraternities are all about. I need to find out about what can be shared publicly, but I can say for now that we were the template, the model for the movie "Animal House" (except they had to tone it down for the screen). You take one look at me today, and I know it's hard to believe (almost as hard as "Change" and "Hope" in politics), but it's true. Unfortunately, as Doug Neidermeyer said in the movie, "...we have received more than two dozen reports of individual acts of perversion SO profound and disgusting that decorum prohibits listing them here." As a result, I will not list specifics here and you will have to accept my word (still worth something, I trust) that that's the way it was.

Having taught in a public high school for 31 years, I had to behave (well, i didn't have to, but if I wanted to keep working...), and when one accurately pretends for any extended length of time, the make-believe world subtly and gradually morphs into the new reality, and I have become quite bo-ring! It's like an undercover policeman who enters the depraved world and becomes depraved himself. I entered the boring world, and, well, you know the rest.

Today, the frat no longer formally exists although some upstart sorority (a sorority) Alpha Kappa Alpha has absconded with the name and started a Rho Delta Omega chapter in Palo Alto, California - no connection to us, of course!

Anyhow, perhaps with intense therapy and the chance to talk with and rub shoulders with my brothers, who knows what will happen? The same body that scored twice in our 85-0 victory in fantastic fraternity football final (nice alliteration, Berman) is now pretty much shot, but my mind is still somewhat intact (although fraught with more holes than a fine aged Swiss cheese). As I have rarely ever sworn aloud in the past 38 years, maybe even that will change (let me try now to see if I can do it: uh, doo-doo, poopie, ca-ca). Well, it's a start. Is it too late to save me? Time will tell!

Later.